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usernamePUNK
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Name: Kat ♥
Country: United States
State: Florida
Metro: Bradenton
Birthday: 9/18/1989
Gender: Female
Interests:
I♥::
music. movies. friends. boys. guitar. studded belts && fake pearls. photography. film. coffee. amp//red bull. writing. house m.d. music again. && athens aka home.
my music♥::
rock: nirvana. phantom planet. the strokes. oasis. stone sour. etc.
punk: brand new. senses fail. my chemical romance. billy talent. coheed&cambria. midtown. motion city soundtrack.
otherstuff: grandaddy. ok go. rhabdophobic. etc.
local bands: adtr. seventh star. showbread. this is my rifle. kids like us. in due time. etc.
movies♥::
28dayslater. lotr. donnie darko. saw. red eye. batman begins. clockwork orange. rushmore. royal tennenbaums. i♥huckabees. memoirs of a geisha. edward scissorhands. pirates of the carribean. the last samurai. meet joe black. queen of the damned.
tv♥::
house. bones. oc. alias.
Expertise: laughing. cursing. being crazy.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  heartbeatsxxxx
Member Since:
8/8/2005
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my heart is stuck in some strange limbo.
i don't understand what i'm feeling or what i'm not.
i
haven't been able to talk about this because the subject matter has
been in my vicinity for a while now, and i can't exactly be vocal about
it. but this is my next best choice so i'm going to go ahead and try to
explain what's on my mind... which will be quite a task because i don't
understand it and probably never will.
it's time for an intricate allegory.
i'm used to being at the bottom of his ladder.
now
i'm at the top, as in number one. and when it comes to this kind of
thing, i'm deathly afraid of heights. from here, the only way to go is
down. and i really don't want to fall.
he's always been high up on
my ladder, where he can go up or down without it being a big deal. he
can grow or shrink in importance with regards to my life, and it
wouldn't really have mattered.
but now i'm ahead of everyone.
ahead of rachel, the before love of his life. i don't know how i'm
supposed to feel. i hate having obligations, and i feel like i have one
to him. before, i had my eye open for some perfect stranger to sweep me
off my feet, despite my feelings for him. but now that i know he has
feelings for me too, i don't know what to do. am i supposed to stick it
out and try and make this work? how can i do that when i've had it set
in my mind and in my heart that there would never be an 'us'?
how can i do that when i can't picture myself with him?
i've
forgotten how to feel any strong emotion about anything or anyone, so
in all fairness, i can't be in a relationship until i find someone that
can break this wall i've built up around my heart. it's here to protect
me from any kind of heartbreak... i'm not girlfriend material, at least
not now. i can't and won't date him. the long distance thing won't
work, that's what he told me!
let's go back a mere three months:
Hmmmmmmm
hard subject gurly, you do a goood job of putting me between a rock and
a hard place. First off when i say i love ya i do i totally mean it,
but it isnt a romantic love.
youre smart, cute, and funny as
hell but theres just shit going on with me i cant move on from. current
relationships im still in and stuff from the past i cant let go.
s0o0o0o
not to be mean but i have to put the ball in your court my love, as you
said i dont want anything to change either and they wont from me so
dont let it change from you!! Sooooo dont let it! I love ya, i do but
its just not right long distance relationships dont work. And you dont
like me my'dear you like the idea of me.
soooo dont let things change! and you'll get over me and ill fall for you! thats just how life works lol
<3
yfb
and now?? he has feelings for me and he's thrown all the 'shit going on' away, forsaken it all for me, essentially.
the
way i am is that i'm turned off when someone has deeper feelings for me
than i do for them. and if that's the case, i can't deal. it scares me.
i'm not ready to fall in love. i'm not. i'm not in love now...
he's been dropping a lot of hints my way as to how he feels.
[in reference to resident evil 4, the game.]
me: "it's my boyfriend!" (talking about leon, the main character in the game.)
him: "if he's your real boyfriend... then does that make me your fake boyfriend?"
what!?
we're not dating! up until like a week ago i was pretty sure you didn't
even have feelings for me. and so maybe now you do... does that mean
you can call yourself my boyfriend... even in joking?
so i changed my facebook status to 'it's complicated' to fuck with people... he does the same.
his friends think he's in a relationship... he doesn't deny it.
and
now i think he's mad at me, or at least worried about what i'm doing.
he's going out to smoke... he only does that when he's mad or thinking
about things. that makes me worry, because i'm sitting here typing
this, being completely quiet compared to the loud crazy girl i was
being like ten minutes ago...
so basically i have no idea what to do.
i'm
leaving in like fifteen hours. then i'll be out of his face... and then
what? we'll be talking on aim soon enough, which means things will get
talked about. i guess i just have to wait until them.
it's like
i told brianne... i feel bad, but in a way i'm relieved i'm going home.
i love the ocala kids and would stay if i could in a heartbeat... but i
feel like i'm being pressured. no one's pressuring me, but i feel it
nonetheless. i don't like pressure. i've gotten very accustomed to
living stress free. so it's weird to suddenly feel stressed and
pressured. especially when i have no real reason to think that i am.
we've
been sleeping in the same bed. and we're constantly around eachother.
i've been myself around him, and now i feel like i've made a mistake in
doing so.
maybe subconsciously my mind won't allow me to be happy. i'm completely at a loss.
i don't want to lose him, but i don't want it to progress or regress any more than it has. :\ | | |
| i'm going to be here until like tuesday or wednesday next week.
then first week of july slash last week of june i'll go to athens, i think.
then hopefully the first weeks of august i'll go to africa, hopefully.
and my dad will be in town tomorrow! i'm excited. <3
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| i'm a senior!
just thought i'd be cool like everyone else and post an 'i'm a senior' post. i'm in the kool kids klub now. awesome.
& no, that's not a reference to the kkk. sorry guys.
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| i'm done with this pause on my life.
let's move forward, once again.
here's to finding something new.
<3
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| so.
it's
been like a week since i had my phone. it's sir raleigh [minus being
dropped in the toilet] all over again. except this time a gay man who
doesn't drive has my phone. and i don't drive. so it's like, whenever i
run into him next... or something.
i'm losing it. i haven't
talked to anyone for AGES and i know i have texts and voicemails just
fucking floating in limbo right now and it's driving me up the fucking
wall.
i miss people! g.d. it.
hah.
so i've
decided that i pretty much hate how damn ironic life is. why is it that
a guy who i'm sure would be good for me, and who's in love, or thinks
he's in love, with me... is someone i'm completely apathetic towards
and have absolutely no romantic feelings towards. i could feel no more
platonic towards him.
and yet the guy i'm head over heels for probably could care less about my feelings for him.
if
you haven't read the great gatsby i'd just like to reinstate that you
really, really ought to. the relevance is so not funny. it's beautiful.
it's depressing as shit.
there must have been moments even
that afternoon when daisy tumbled short of his dreams--not through her
own fault but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion. it had
gone beyond her, beyond everything.
that is in my AIM profile right now and i love it.
although
on my behalf, it doesn't really work because i haven't made
[insertname] out to be anything he isn't. i know we'd never work as a
relationship, that he's not boyfriend material just as much as i'm not
girlfriend material. he's got his flaws, as i have mine. we both have
this huge pack of 'baggage' and it's, and i quote "just not right. long
distance relationships just don't work." and he's right. not that that
was what i ever wanted from him. but idk.
i just can't move on.
right about now time
is my one and only friend, because staring the utter truth in the face doesn't seem
to be helping me get over him. i will though, soon. haha okay maybe not
soon, but eventually.
so the other boy told my friend he just wanted to tell me he loves me.
he doesn't. how the fuck can someone possibly be in love with me? i don't give anyone enough of myself to fall in love with.
it's the sad fucking truth. it boggles my mind. we don't hang out,
we've done it like twice. he's barely known me half a year. and it's
like i told nia and taylor, 'you can read someone's biography, but that
doesn't mean you know the person.' i've told him much about myself, but
i still don't feel like he knows me. he doesn't. he can't predict me.
god i'm a hypocrite.
i
know 'my' boy, and yet i don't. so maybe i'm in the same fucking
situation, but then again i'm not claiming to be in love. because i'm
not. not even close. and that's the difference. we might be in the same
shoes but i'm not disillusioned. i'm ridiculously realistic about it.
...am i really so wrong in thinking he doesn't know me?
we haven't slept in the same bed because neither wanted
to give up our spot. we haven't sat on the couch playing resident evil
4 until nine in the morning, and he doesn't know when my 'retard time'
is or what that even means. he doesn't have nicknames for me, and he
doesn't have a nickname only i can get away with calling him by. we
don't finish eachother's sentences. the words 'french toast' mean nothing to him, and if i told him i wanted to punch a car he wouldn't understand. if i told him 'logan's run' was a real movie he wouldn't get mad or make a fuss, and he wouldn't think i was making noises when he fucked up while playing the godfather game. if i said 'it's off' he wouldn't understand and wouldn't make a huge deal out of it. he doesn't ask for beside manner when he's sick and he would never call me up to say 'go to bed!' and hang up.
but i guess none of that is even his fault. but still. i don't smile when he IMs me. he can't compete with what i want anymore than i can compete with what [insertname] wants.
i
think i talk about this too much. but when it's one of the few things that seems
to consume just about every waking thought, it's hard to find much else
to write about. that makes me sound like an obsessed creep. which i'm
not. haha that's gross.
okay, so the other boy just told me he's
not in love anymore. and then i think i made him realize that just
because he realizes it can never happen doesn't mean you're over the
person. hello, i would know. so i just popped his little bubble,
hardcore.
i'm an idiot. why does this kind of BS make me smile so damn much. it's meaningless.
me (10:30:15 PM): ahhhhhhhhhh mfb.
him (10:30:28 PM): hey you!
i'm such a fool. such a fucking fool.
such a fool for you.
ughhhhhhh underoath you're going on my myspace. :]
[EDIT]
we were just talking and he had to go, so he said goodnight rather quickly. and i said 'fiiine, g'night.' so he puts his away message up. so i sigh and continue to talk to blake... so mfb comes back from away, IMs me with a '<3' and goes back on away.
it's a little thought like that that means the fucking world to me.
[/END]
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